It has been an incredibly long time that I have had a desire to trust God so completely that I would be anxiety free. In the fifth grade I had turned my life over to this God and my walk was immediately interrupted by a traumatic change of schools. In my old school boys weren't more or less cool, girls weren't more or less pretty and kids weren't more or less smart. We all just seemed to be more or less friends. This school change brought a pecking order; status delineation, cuteness ratio, dweeb analysis. My groove factor was somewhere between "pathetic" and "Oh brother". The tiles on the floor became my friend. The hill, on our farm that overlooked the river...my solace.
Why all this anxiety? Was it the change in schools? Maybe adolescence had crept up on me. Or even worse - had I become something people now despised?
Over these many years anxiety has perplexed me. Countless times, in the Bible, God warns us about this anxiety. The confusion is that something which seems to be attached to me is so vehemently warned against.
As of late, I have been involved in a study of David, the Shepard who became king. Acts 13:22 and 1 Samuel 13:14 refer to David as a "Man after God's own heart." Why was that? What was this trait he possessed? Certainly it wasn't because of his many character deviations like adultery and murder. But as I look through his life, God was his focus. Even when his humanness got in the way God was his default. Could this be a link to my anxiety?
David didn't seem upset that he had been forgotten by his family in the blessed king lottery. Killing the bear and lion...no problem, it was his duty to protect the sheep, God would protect him. There was no second thought about himself with Goliath. Big or not Goliath had mocked God and must be dealt with. Running from Psycho Saul was confusing but David always kept checking in with God.
However, does anxiety begin to make an entrance in 1 Samuel 27 when David begins to think "to himself"? He begins to run...wherever. His plans were all of a sudden not directed.
Proverbs 3:5 says this:
"Trust in the Lord with all
your heart
and lean not on your own
understanding;
in all your ways
acknowledge him,
and he will direct your path."
Is there a dimension, state of mind or acknowledgement of God's glory that I can escape to where there is no realization in which I can manipulate? Often I feel as if I clumsily struggle in the morass between wanting to know and understand what and why and desiring to do what and why because it is obvious.
Let me try to explain. In a previous blog I tried to describe humility as something that is, not something I do. If I do humility I flounder in and out of guilt and pride. If I was actually humble I would not know and escape this confusion of a reality created by my own determination.
To be "in Christ"...not a pursuance exactly but a dimension of being...a state of having no option but Christ-likeness.
Will this Holy Spirit dimension release me from this dreaded anxiety? And if so how do I get there and will I know when I have arrived?
Does it seem as if God's plan is neither? If I know how and why, maybe that is the proof I'm not there. Is giving way to dependence His desire? Is it about me at all? Doesn't God say I must trust and He will direct?
Yes, we need to keep moving along and yes, there are other reasons for anxiety and yes, I still flounder. But, could it be that if I am kept out of anxiety and replace me with dependence on God, might I soar into this often desired but hidden dimension? Others may see me in and I will experience it but I will never realize I have arrived because this Godly dimension has a unending arrival, it is always pursue-able.
It isn't easy, hence the dependence. There will be hard times, trouble and even calamity. But Psalm 46 shows me that God is my refuge and His Holy Spirit my reassurance. This anxiety limits what is and obsesses what is not. When I "be still," give way, depend and allow this Lord Almighty to build a "fortress" around me, anxiety will fade and comfort will fill the now vacant spaces.
